Why did Constantinople get the works?

Just back from an amazing weekend in Istanbul. I promise that there will be an update on that, but I want to upload the photos first, so you may need to wait a day or two.

Right now, I bring you this line from a story in the New York Times about the beef recall:

"Agriculture officials said there was little health risk from the recalled meat because the animals had already passed pre-slaughter inspection and much of the meat had already been eaten. [emphasis added]"

Last I checked, the fact that something had already been eaten did not change its status as "health risk," especially when the risk in question is the relatively-unknown-quantity of mad cow disease passing into humans.

I'm not overly alarmed, nor do I think you should be, my US meat-eaters, but I thought the statement was pretty funny.

In fact, it's almost as funny as this line, from "Confession, Part 2," by Usher, wherein he tries to convince his girlfriend not to leave him after he knocked up the girl he had an affair with and is on his way to illegitimate fatherhood:

"I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this."

Again, I'm not convinced that telling your girlfriend that you were about to have a baby with someone else is something that you have to be "man enough" to do. I think it's kind of unavoidable, actually. How else does he plan to explain the sudden appearance of baby? Or his inexplained absences? Or the fact that he comes home smelling like spit-up? Or the child support payments? Or...

Chain Reaction

This is pretty cool. Don't click on anything; just be patient.

We'll help you make peace with your pubes.*

I have failed you, gentle readers. I was too rear-centric in my most recent post, and forgot to mention yet another gem of Daily Candy-rie: the introduction to Betty Color for the Hair Down There. Em had to remind me of this phenomenon which, really, I'm shocked I could've forgotten about. Yes, my friends, there is pubic hair dye in the world. You should go read the link's explanation if only for the amazing euphemisms. You'll never think about your "peepee's teepee" the same way again.

*Please note that I will in no way help you to make peace with your pubes, so don't even think it. Back story: way back in middle school, I read an issue of YM where some poor soul had written in to the beauty column, all frantic because her newly emerging womanhood was growing out of control, so to speak. As a preface to whatever advice they were about to give, YM informed her that they would help her "make peace with your pubes."

That line has stuck with me.

I wish it hadn't.

V out.

A random variety of stuffs (and nonsenses)

More random lists of things, as I'm bored and have no real excitement going on.

Re: Men
Again with the crazies. I was recently contacted by a guy in China. Based on his photos, I don't believe him to be natively Chinese, but I also couldn't guarantee that English is his first language. Some gems from his profile:

- The last great book I read: "Bibble"

- The celebrity I resemble the most: "My sister wedding"

- Fill in the blank: _____ is sexy; _____ is sexier. "i am sexy"

In his email, he tells me that he's looking for someone to be his "africa queen," and is optimistic about the chances of a London-China long-distance relationship working:

"i no you lady may be thinking that he lives far away from me ...that is why i say though miles may lie between us, we're never far apart, for friendship doesn't count the miles, it's measured by the heart Tears in my eyes, you on my mind, love in my heart, oceans in-between Don't measure the distance; measure my love"

I told him I didn't think we were looking for the same thing, since I'm looking for someone (a) nearby, who (b) doesn't talk like a love song from the '80s, and who (c) understands that "my sister wedding" is not a celebrity, much less an entity that a human being can resemble.


Re: Things I did not previously care about, but have been told I should
I subscribe to Daily Candy, an email list informing the world of hot new items, like (usually extremely high end) clothing and fasion, new bars and restaurants, and other bizarre-yet-cool things online. Not infrequently, they recommend that I go out and buy a $280 cashmere t-shirt, or $700 scarf, and I go "HA!" and hit delete. However, they're now telling me that a part of my body which never sees the light of day should be bleached. I mean, god forbid my ***hole look like what it is. Maybe the goal is to fool people into believing you don't have one?

I should probably note here that this is not the first time I've heard of doing such a thing to my posterior; I read about it in a column once. Sadly, I cannot locate that column. But here's another funny, sort of regionally-related column by the man I suspect introduced me to the wide world of butt bleaching. Also, the Toto Washlet site* is hilarious. It should be paired with this gem: the Hawaii Chair, introduced to me by my friend Em.

*Please note: there is a lot of exposed backside on the Toto Washlet site. Nothing tasteless, of course. The Toto Washlet is at all times modest and happy.


Re: Funny Law Stuff
Here are some cool articles on funny law things:
- 20 Weirdest Court Cases
- 25 Odd Laws


Maybe that's enough for today.

Anything you can do, I can do better

Although she may disagree with me, I feel like Em and I are each contributing to what will soon be a new wave in our alcoholic consumption. Sure, her contributions were (1) finding the blog entry on making bacon-infused vodka, (2) reading the blog, (3) posting it for all to see, and (4) going ahead and actually trying to make said vodka. But I feel like I was a key player in this venture. For example, I also read the comments to the blog entry!* I did additional key research on the infusion of vodka!**

* Em may also have read the comments. I have no info on the order of such things. I'm sure it's totally irrelevant to my contribution, though.

** Research engaged in after Em informed me that she was making the bacon infusion, so arguably not really helpful in her manufacture of such.

Okay, fine. So my only contributions are enthusiasm and envy that I did not actually try the bacon-infusion first. However, vodka and I still have a tenuous relationship ever since the Vodka-Port-Wine-Champagne Debacle of 2006, so having an entire bottle of bacon-vodka would still probably not turn me away from replacing the vodka in a Bloody Mary with tequila. Ave (Bloody) Maria!

BTW, the amount of circular referencing between our two blogs is reaching amazing proportions. I may make it my goal to reference her blog in every posting. Stay tuned, gentle readers.

Oh, the Pressure

One of the problems of having a blog is that, when nothing interesting is happening to me, I feel this added weight of Not Having Anything Interesting To Report In Blog. It's not enough that my life is routine and boring, apparently, but now my silence has to loudly broadcast this fact to everyone I love!

To compensate, here are some throw-away tidbits:

(1) Go see Juno. It's seriously amazing. I am concerned that Michael Cera is pigeonholing himself as goofy, sort-of-awkward-yet-sympathetic boy, but it's seriously amazing.

(2) More adventures in online dating: a guy who chose the ScreenName of "shagz4u" has just contacted me. I feel this can only be matched by my friend's encounter with a guy whose email was "kasanovasex@[domain].com"*

*Full address redacted, as I wouldn't want any of you to be tempted to contact this fool. Someone has to protect you from your self-destructive tendencies.

(3) Busting into a blood orange, when you were expecting a regular orange, leads to all kinds of concerns in the "WTF happened to this orange?!" vein.

(4) I was reading The Master and Margarita on the tube this weekend, and some girl walked up and stood next to me. Just as the doors opened at her stop, she said to me, "That's the [mumble mumble] book ever." I smiled and said "Thanks!" because I assumed she was complimenting the book. She did not smile, and reiterated: "Seriously. It really is," and left. Now I'm dying to know what [mumble mumble] is. She clearly didn't want to get into a conversation about it, since she waited until 2 seconds before departing to say it.

Note to all Random Commenters: if you intend to make some sort of pithy, out-of-the-blue comment to someone, make sure you enunciate and speak loudly.

(5) Valentine's Day is nearly here. Have you purchased your loved one some heart-shaped cheese yet?

Things that are surprising, but shouldn't be

Sugar-free Hazelnut Latte? Disgusting. I don't know why I thought that would be a good idea.