I'm Smarty for Smartypants

I love this blog. Words cannot express how much I love it. I cannot count the number of times that I've nearly busted my gut trying to restrain laughter from reading it when I shouldn't have been (in class, in class again, at work, etc). The author is amazing, and I not-so-secretly lust after having a daughter as zany and surprising as hers. Wild boar beach ball poop? Amazing.

I find this entry particularly hilarious. I will periodically post other hilarious entries when I personally have nothing new to offer. If you can't partake in my life, you might as well partake in my laughter.

WORKE IT STIFFE LIKE A PUDDING AND CRAM IT IN AGAINE!

More Choice Offerings from the World of Men

Poor man. He's clearly trying:

"When I was in New York a few weeks ago I saw the perfect top for you.....it was a pink tracksuit top with "Nijita" on the back......

So I am going to take a risk and offer it to you as a present but if I dont find it next time I am in New York I hope you are not going to beat me up....hahahahahaha....

xx"

The offer to buy me a gift from overseas is, I guess, cute. But a pink tracksuit? Saying "Ninjita"? A Pink? Track? Suit?

hahahahahahahahahahaha.......

40 on the 40; also, Plague

This is what I was doing Friday night, for those of you who are interested. Jason and I jointly came up with the idea (my alias is H.B. on his blog. I've forgotten why). Apparently, I like pointing at things. There are a lot of photos of me pointing.

Dixie beer is really, really terrible. So is San Miguel, especially when you're drinking a liter of it.

This night, which was both late and involved drinking, may be partially responsible for the resurgence of my plague. I went to the doctor today, just to be sure I didn't have an infection or something. I just have another cold, which is fantastic. Also, he very helpfully informed me of the following:

(1) The only real way to "deal" with a cold is to avoid getting them in the first place.
(2) The only "cure" for the cold is rest and vitamins.
(3) I should be avoiding late nights and drinking, staying hydrated, and eating lots of veggies.

While I knew all three of these, I found #1 particularly unhelpful. I mean, really? I should've avoided getting sick in the first place? What revelation! I had no idea! And there I was, licking the hand holds in the tube cars. Foolish, foolish V.

Beware Scalding Milk Tuesday

Yesterday, one of my friends was trying to make iced tea. When she poured the boiling water into the pitcher with the teabags, the pitcher cracked and she was forced to deal with steadily seeping boiling tea all over her kitchen.

Today, one of my friends was trying to melt some solidified honey in the microwave, but it exploded all over her and caused minor burns on her arms and legs, not to mention creating two hours of honey cleanup.

I am concerned. I know things don't always happen in threes, but it's often easy to make the coincidental connections so that they do. I'm not just going to pick an incident out of thin air, though. I have become convinced that tomorrow's incident (three in three days) will involve scalding milk, since that's the only remaining tea-related-ingredient which I think could realisitically burn someone.

Tomorrow, I am avoiding all milk.

Graphs fo' Gangstas. Fo' shizzle my nizzle.

This is completely amazing.

Dare to say no

I'll admit that I've signed up for an online dating service. It's a periodic weakness of mine that occurs whenever I'm having a hard time meeting interesting men. Usually, though, it only lasts for a month or two before I realize that there are just as many losers online as there are in bars/at parties.

This time is no exception. One classic example is the man, well beyond my stated desired age range, who emailed me not once, but three separate times to invite me out to beer, coffee, coffee. I stayed silent until Attempt 3, when I felt the only decent thing was to politely tell him that, while flattered, I didn't think we were a good match, and good luck in his search. The reasons for my assesment are, I think, patently obvious from his reply:

we have 21 things in common....
and i speak brazilian and italian...and german....
and punjabi...
so if were ever on a date , well never get stuck for saying hello to a
strage on our travels and my flat cobers 500 books and ive travelled
to 5 continents...so a coffee and see if we click...
oh i work in tv and like you am also very busy.
so i do appreciate you kind email and do hope you can take a risk and
see what magic come out of the unknown...
[name redacted]
xxxx

Oh, the problems with this email. Let's begin:
(1) The gibberish: your flat cobers 500 books? What? I can't even think of a grammatically acceptable word that "cobers" is close to that would be explained by a typo. Covers? Your flat covers 500 books? Still gibberish.
(2) Those of you who know me (and let's face it: if you're reading this, it's because you know me) know that I'm (kind of) anal when it comes to typos. Everyone makes mistakes, but this just goes beyond the pale.
(3) Not to mention, this is a guy who I said "No, thanks," to, and this is his attempt to convince me otherwise? You need to really go above and beyond in this situation. If this is his above and beyond, I'm highly unimpressed.
(4) Not shown here, but one of his turnoffs is sarcasm, and the other is tattoos. Again, problem obvious for people who know me, not only because these are two of my attributes, but also because they're two attributes that I get a kick out of in other people.
(5) "see what magic come out of the unknown" Again with the faulty grammar, but what? What kind of terrible esoteric nonsense is this?

And finally,

(6) "do hope you can take a risk" Who said anything about risk-taking? My response to him definitely did not. Last I heard, it wasn't a "risk" to go out for coffee with a complete lame-o. It's just a big fat waste of time.

Common [Law] Property

There's been this weird rash of thefts in my life lately (not counting the single lozenge of a few weeks ago). Last week, I put a soda in the communal fridge, as you do, and now it's gone. Today is Bagel Day--here in London, bagels are cause for monthly celebration--and I sliced open a bagel, put it in the toaster, and left it there to toast. I returned to find it mysteriously vanished, not 3 minutes later. I mean, really? Did someone really think that other people on the floor were slicing and toasting bagels for their health? For the goodness of mankind?

Last, and perhaps oddest, is my gum. I opened this package of gum yesterday, as in "removed the sealed plastic wrapping" opened. I ate one piece. Despite me having no recollection of offering gum to anyone, today I had 10 of 14 pieces of gum left, instead of the expected 13. I don't so much mind that I have less gum; my mother raised me well and I know the value of sharing. But this is just weird.

Somewhere on this floor there's a soda/bagel/gum stealer. Or I'm going mad.

StuffInMyVodka.com

My friend directed me to this cool article about how you can make bacon vodka. I was skeptical, but he/she's right -- a Bacon Bloody Mary sounds pretty awesome.

I was not, however, prepared for some of the comments by one of the posters further down the page. Nutmeg Everclear Deodorant Mist? Arbor Vitae Vodka Anti-Wart Preparation? I know this person says that they're allergic to deodorants, but I'm kind of wondering if they're in fact just an alcoholic. An uber-green, herb-crazed, hippie alcoholic.

Voicemail is for tools

You might think that activating your voicemail would be a simple process. You would be wrong. Months ago, when I got my cell phone, I went through the automated process of calling and "turning on" my voicemail and recording a message. After not receiving a single message in 2 months, I became suspicious, and discovered through rigorous testing that my calls were left to ring endlessly, unanswered

Apparently, "turning on" my voicemail did not actually activate it. These are wholly distinct processes, and not to be confused. What follows is the step-by-step process for activating one's voicemail, as compiled from not one but two calls to Customer Support:

(1) Call [number] from your phone.*
(2) Wait for the automated message to hang-up on you.**
(3) [Turn your phone off and on again.]***
(4) You will receive a text message. It's immaterial. Delete it.
(5) [Go into your Settings menu and activate Call Diverting.]****

* Tech Support Person 1 told me to text that number, not call it, perhaps leading to Customer Support call #2.
** The message does not, in fact, hang up on you. It merely loops endlessly waiting for you to choose an option. This is after it tells you to turn your phone off and on, though.
*** This step was left out by Tech Support Person 2.
**** This step was left out by Tech Support Person 1.

It is now 20 minutes in to the supposedly 30 in which I could receive the text message. I'm not holding my breath.

Do not tamper with my seals

You know how most medicines / sealed foods warn you not to use them if the seal has been tampered with, and you think, "Yeah, yeah... who would tamper with a seal?"

I bought throat lozenges, the swanky kind that come in foil & plastic sheets that you pop out one at a time. And I opened the box.

And one had been popped out.

Just one, mind you. I don't know who bothered to open a box of cough drops, pop out one lozenge, return the sheet to the box and close the lid, but I'm intrigued by this situation.

Most likely it was just some kid experimenting with petty theft.