Conversations I wish I could take back

Setting: Drinking with work friends outside.
Cast: Vanessa, somewhere between tipsy and more than tipsy; Homeless Teenager; Friends

Homeless Teen: Excuse me, could one of you spare some change?

Vanessa: Sorry, we don't have any change, but we have booze. Would you like some booze?

Homeless Teen: Um... I don't drink.

Vanessa: Oh. Well, we can't help you then.

Friends: [silence]

It's a posting bonanza!

More phrases that I find annoying (from an interoffice email):

"...please can you get in touch by return."

Issue #1: "Return" is not a form of communication that I'm familiar with. Perhaps it's akin to the carrier pigeon, and has gone extinct.

Issue #2: "please can you get in touch" is sufficient. Simple. Conveys the request.

To sum up: this phrase is both redundant and nonsense. F.

Under/Loaded statement of the day

From the Wikipedia article on Tropic Thunder, Ben Stiller's new movie:

"Owen Wilson was to have Matthew McConaughey's role in the film, but dropped out after his suicide attempt in August 2007."

It's almost like he dropped out because he remembered he had to take the trash out that day. But, you know, not.

Return from the Deep

Sorry for my long absence, oh faithful readers. In fact, I simply forgot I had a blog. You know, as you do.

But this tidbit, and a gentle reminder from Em, propelled me to return. From a story on CNN about how some people have used Spore's* Creature Creator** (if you don't understand all the words in that paragraph, you're not as nerdy as I am) has been used for less than innocent pursuits:

"But scrolling through the database -- past the three-legged sea horse, past the seven-eyed wildebeest and the half-motorcycle-half-pig -- revealed something many users didn't expect. Buried among the more wholesome attempts were two-legged dancing testicles, a "giant breast monster" and a four-legged, "phallic fornication machine," for starters."

What confuses me here is the line "something many users didn't expect." I mean, correct me if I'm being cynical, but I sort of assumed that anything that can be used for porn will be. Are these users Mormons? Or pathologically naive?

* Spore is a soon-to-be-released game in which, basically, you get to create your own life form and evolve it from a bacteria to something with a civilization.

** Creature Creator is a side project of Spore, which has been released and whereby people create their own creatures and can share them with the world.

Failure

I'm a big failure for a number of reasons:

(1) Complete failure to update my blog in over a month. I'd like to claim that it's because I've been on safari tracking wildebeest and whatnot, but the truth is I've failed to have any really cool stories or thoughts in that time. Yes, it's true. I'm generally a food-consuming, excretion-producing waste of space.

(2) I apparently put a footnote-style * in my last post, and then failed to footnote anything. Nice one.

(3) I failed to give credit to Em for introducing me to Faildogs, also in that last post.

For all of the above, I can only offer this as a consolation prize for my massive suckage:

The die rolls on

The founder of D&D, Gary Gygax, died yesterday. Never fear, though; his legacy will never die. Witness, for example, the Level 8 Ogre Mage seeking a partner on Craigslist.*

The whole ad is just rife with hilarity, so I'll let you enjoy it without commentary (and oh, the strength of will it's taking me to not comment!).

Also: faildogs, the canine response to LOLcats, apparently.

This corporation is brought to you by dreams and rainbows

Go here and read the first line, under "Administrative Concepts' Mission."

Oh, Administrative Concepts. You had such lofty beginnings. And now you're just another employee leasing specialist offering risk management and payroll services. How the mighty have fallen.

Discussion Questions:
(1) How would you build on a vision? Discuss construction materials and address possible weaknesses in the foundation.
(2) What do soaring eagles have to do with employee leasing specialists? For bonus points, include a diagram.
(3) What does Administrative Concepts mean to you?

Recent Events in my life, of middling to no interest

(1) Something that I said on the bus while talking to my brother about a video game, which in retrospect I realize made me sound like a crazy person and explains why everyone started staring at me: "Yeah, well just wait. Once you're out in space the military starts contacting you every two nanoseconds with some new emergency that only you can handle, like a biotic terrorist camp or a hostage situation or some rogue VI [virtual intelligence, for you non-nerds] that needs destroying."

(2) We really do have a full-on fridge thief. Last week he/she stole two full, unopened punnets of blueberries and a pint of yogurt. I'm serious. One day they were there, the next day... gone. I'm at a loss for how to proceed. When you make the kind of money that people in my industry make, and you work for an international company, in an office of over 200 people, who do you go to about your missing blueberries and yogurt?

(3) My fridge is broken, and has been for a week and a half now. There's some controversy about the warranty, I guess, which is part of the reason for the delay in fixing it. I'm honestly not that bothered, other than wondering how people stored food prior to fridges. Obviously they went grocery shopping everyday, and I think they generally had households large enough to finish the entire meal (i.e. less cooking for one). My officemate pointed out that they got food poisoning more often, too. Anyhow, I've been eating a lot of prepared salads for dinner as a result. Yum.

(4) Last night at a pub quiz, I was the only one in our group who figured out the answer to who created the periodic table: Mendeleev. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't riding on the high of remembering that for the rest of the night.

I feel the earth move under my feet

Earthquake! I have now survived my first London earthquake. I feel privileged to have experienced such a rare occurence; it's kind of like spotting a panda in the wild or something (although, admittedly less cool, as pandas are awesome).

I happened to be on the phone with my mom at the time, and our conversation was going something like this:

Me: [yammer yammer]
Mom: [yammer yammer]

[apartment begins shaking]

Me: ... Uh... Mom? Does England get earthquakes?
Mom: Don't be silly. England doesn't have earthquakes.
Me: Well, something's going on because my apartment is moving.
Mom: Maybe it's a train or the underground.

I was actually afraid it was a bomb or something nearby, but didn't feel I should voice that concern when my mom was thousands of miles away. Well, it was not a train or the underground or a bomb! It was an earthquake! I feel vindicated that I was not hallucinating, that the shaking was actually real and significant, and relieved that nothing around me is now a pile of rubble.

Currently, BBC and CNN are competing for the prize of Least Interesting Earthquake-Related Graphic in their stories on the Great Quake of '07. I'll let you be the judge of which one sparks your interest least.

U.S. = 1, Defunct Satellites = 0

You'll all be relieved to know that we did, in fact, successfully bring democracy to the errant malfunctioning spy satellite late yesterday night (I am using the current U.S. Government's definition of "bringing democracy" wherein we bomb the crap out of somewhere/thing. Thus, democracy is born). Only slightly worrying is the fact that we are confident that we destroyed the satellite, but not completely certain. If any of you find yourselves in clouds of toxic hydrazine gas, you know what happened.

That's nobody's business but the Turks

Welcome to Istanbul!

Three days in Istanbul! Surprise #1: it snowed all weekend. Serious, serious snowing, with often horizontal winds. We persevered in our sightseeing, though, and did not miss a single major site! Aya Sofia, a 1400-year-old church? Check:


The Blue Mosque, during freezing snow and getting to see the tail end of the Islamic services that evening? Check:


We also went to the Basilica Cistern (complete with live, eerie mood music), the Spice Bazaar and the Grand Bazaar, the Topkapi Palace (home to the Ottoman Sultans for 400 years) and the Archaeological Museum. Much of the weekend was spent bracing ourselves for the weather, enduring it as long as we could, and then racing for refuge in the form of an indoors sight, a restaurant, a hamam (Turkish Bath), or the hotel.

For the full album of Turkey photos, go here.

Other random highlights of the trip:
- Stalls in underground passageways selling handguns. Just rows and rows of handguns.
- We went to a hookah bar, where the attendant had to come by every two seconds and "fix" our hookah because we couldn't keep it properly lit.
- The random bar we ended up at Saturday night, complete with '80s music and a Turkish man wearing a black t-shirt with the Bald Eagle emblazoned across the front.
- Giving ourselves insulin shock from eating baklava.
- Lots and lots of Turkish tea.
- Being delayed by an hour on our return flight, and not getting home until 2:30 a.m.
- The grossly smoochy couple who used babytalk with each other. Sat in front of my friend on the plane, behind us on the shuttle into Istanbul, and were with us in line to board on our return flight, and with us on our train into London. They were ubiquitous.

Generally, Istanbul is amazing. Try not to go when it's freezing. People are very nice and helpful, food is tasty, and there's nothing quite as amazing as escaping a snowstorm to sit in a hot, steamy room and get scrubbed raw by an ancient Turkish woman in a saggy one-piece and a buzzcut. You think I'm joking, but I'm so not. It was amazing.

One thing I did not love: the book Istanbul, by Orhan Pamuk. He's a Nobel Prize winner, and he's lived in Istanbul all his life, so I thought it would be amazing and inspire a deeper love of the city. Instead, it somewhat made me want to poke myself in the eye with a fork. It's more or less intolerable, actually, and I'm not sure I can finish it. And I'm only at chapter five.

Why did Constantinople get the works?

Just back from an amazing weekend in Istanbul. I promise that there will be an update on that, but I want to upload the photos first, so you may need to wait a day or two.

Right now, I bring you this line from a story in the New York Times about the beef recall:

"Agriculture officials said there was little health risk from the recalled meat because the animals had already passed pre-slaughter inspection and much of the meat had already been eaten. [emphasis added]"

Last I checked, the fact that something had already been eaten did not change its status as "health risk," especially when the risk in question is the relatively-unknown-quantity of mad cow disease passing into humans.

I'm not overly alarmed, nor do I think you should be, my US meat-eaters, but I thought the statement was pretty funny.

In fact, it's almost as funny as this line, from "Confession, Part 2," by Usher, wherein he tries to convince his girlfriend not to leave him after he knocked up the girl he had an affair with and is on his way to illegitimate fatherhood:

"I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this."

Again, I'm not convinced that telling your girlfriend that you were about to have a baby with someone else is something that you have to be "man enough" to do. I think it's kind of unavoidable, actually. How else does he plan to explain the sudden appearance of baby? Or his inexplained absences? Or the fact that he comes home smelling like spit-up? Or the child support payments? Or...

Chain Reaction

This is pretty cool. Don't click on anything; just be patient.

We'll help you make peace with your pubes.*

I have failed you, gentle readers. I was too rear-centric in my most recent post, and forgot to mention yet another gem of Daily Candy-rie: the introduction to Betty Color for the Hair Down There. Em had to remind me of this phenomenon which, really, I'm shocked I could've forgotten about. Yes, my friends, there is pubic hair dye in the world. You should go read the link's explanation if only for the amazing euphemisms. You'll never think about your "peepee's teepee" the same way again.

*Please note that I will in no way help you to make peace with your pubes, so don't even think it. Back story: way back in middle school, I read an issue of YM where some poor soul had written in to the beauty column, all frantic because her newly emerging womanhood was growing out of control, so to speak. As a preface to whatever advice they were about to give, YM informed her that they would help her "make peace with your pubes."

That line has stuck with me.

I wish it hadn't.

V out.

A random variety of stuffs (and nonsenses)

More random lists of things, as I'm bored and have no real excitement going on.

Re: Men
Again with the crazies. I was recently contacted by a guy in China. Based on his photos, I don't believe him to be natively Chinese, but I also couldn't guarantee that English is his first language. Some gems from his profile:

- The last great book I read: "Bibble"

- The celebrity I resemble the most: "My sister wedding"

- Fill in the blank: _____ is sexy; _____ is sexier. "i am sexy"

In his email, he tells me that he's looking for someone to be his "africa queen," and is optimistic about the chances of a London-China long-distance relationship working:

"i no you lady may be thinking that he lives far away from me ...that is why i say though miles may lie between us, we're never far apart, for friendship doesn't count the miles, it's measured by the heart Tears in my eyes, you on my mind, love in my heart, oceans in-between Don't measure the distance; measure my love"

I told him I didn't think we were looking for the same thing, since I'm looking for someone (a) nearby, who (b) doesn't talk like a love song from the '80s, and who (c) understands that "my sister wedding" is not a celebrity, much less an entity that a human being can resemble.


Re: Things I did not previously care about, but have been told I should
I subscribe to Daily Candy, an email list informing the world of hot new items, like (usually extremely high end) clothing and fasion, new bars and restaurants, and other bizarre-yet-cool things online. Not infrequently, they recommend that I go out and buy a $280 cashmere t-shirt, or $700 scarf, and I go "HA!" and hit delete. However, they're now telling me that a part of my body which never sees the light of day should be bleached. I mean, god forbid my ***hole look like what it is. Maybe the goal is to fool people into believing you don't have one?

I should probably note here that this is not the first time I've heard of doing such a thing to my posterior; I read about it in a column once. Sadly, I cannot locate that column. But here's another funny, sort of regionally-related column by the man I suspect introduced me to the wide world of butt bleaching. Also, the Toto Washlet site* is hilarious. It should be paired with this gem: the Hawaii Chair, introduced to me by my friend Em.

*Please note: there is a lot of exposed backside on the Toto Washlet site. Nothing tasteless, of course. The Toto Washlet is at all times modest and happy.


Re: Funny Law Stuff
Here are some cool articles on funny law things:
- 20 Weirdest Court Cases
- 25 Odd Laws


Maybe that's enough for today.

Anything you can do, I can do better

Although she may disagree with me, I feel like Em and I are each contributing to what will soon be a new wave in our alcoholic consumption. Sure, her contributions were (1) finding the blog entry on making bacon-infused vodka, (2) reading the blog, (3) posting it for all to see, and (4) going ahead and actually trying to make said vodka. But I feel like I was a key player in this venture. For example, I also read the comments to the blog entry!* I did additional key research on the infusion of vodka!**

* Em may also have read the comments. I have no info on the order of such things. I'm sure it's totally irrelevant to my contribution, though.

** Research engaged in after Em informed me that she was making the bacon infusion, so arguably not really helpful in her manufacture of such.

Okay, fine. So my only contributions are enthusiasm and envy that I did not actually try the bacon-infusion first. However, vodka and I still have a tenuous relationship ever since the Vodka-Port-Wine-Champagne Debacle of 2006, so having an entire bottle of bacon-vodka would still probably not turn me away from replacing the vodka in a Bloody Mary with tequila. Ave (Bloody) Maria!

BTW, the amount of circular referencing between our two blogs is reaching amazing proportions. I may make it my goal to reference her blog in every posting. Stay tuned, gentle readers.

Oh, the Pressure

One of the problems of having a blog is that, when nothing interesting is happening to me, I feel this added weight of Not Having Anything Interesting To Report In Blog. It's not enough that my life is routine and boring, apparently, but now my silence has to loudly broadcast this fact to everyone I love!

To compensate, here are some throw-away tidbits:

(1) Go see Juno. It's seriously amazing. I am concerned that Michael Cera is pigeonholing himself as goofy, sort-of-awkward-yet-sympathetic boy, but it's seriously amazing.

(2) More adventures in online dating: a guy who chose the ScreenName of "shagz4u" has just contacted me. I feel this can only be matched by my friend's encounter with a guy whose email was "kasanovasex@[domain].com"*

*Full address redacted, as I wouldn't want any of you to be tempted to contact this fool. Someone has to protect you from your self-destructive tendencies.

(3) Busting into a blood orange, when you were expecting a regular orange, leads to all kinds of concerns in the "WTF happened to this orange?!" vein.

(4) I was reading The Master and Margarita on the tube this weekend, and some girl walked up and stood next to me. Just as the doors opened at her stop, she said to me, "That's the [mumble mumble] book ever." I smiled and said "Thanks!" because I assumed she was complimenting the book. She did not smile, and reiterated: "Seriously. It really is," and left. Now I'm dying to know what [mumble mumble] is. She clearly didn't want to get into a conversation about it, since she waited until 2 seconds before departing to say it.

Note to all Random Commenters: if you intend to make some sort of pithy, out-of-the-blue comment to someone, make sure you enunciate and speak loudly.

(5) Valentine's Day is nearly here. Have you purchased your loved one some heart-shaped cheese yet?

Things that are surprising, but shouldn't be

Sugar-free Hazelnut Latte? Disgusting. I don't know why I thought that would be a good idea.

I'm Smarty for Smartypants

I love this blog. Words cannot express how much I love it. I cannot count the number of times that I've nearly busted my gut trying to restrain laughter from reading it when I shouldn't have been (in class, in class again, at work, etc). The author is amazing, and I not-so-secretly lust after having a daughter as zany and surprising as hers. Wild boar beach ball poop? Amazing.

I find this entry particularly hilarious. I will periodically post other hilarious entries when I personally have nothing new to offer. If you can't partake in my life, you might as well partake in my laughter.

WORKE IT STIFFE LIKE A PUDDING AND CRAM IT IN AGAINE!

More Choice Offerings from the World of Men

Poor man. He's clearly trying:

"When I was in New York a few weeks ago I saw the perfect top for you.....it was a pink tracksuit top with "Nijita" on the back......

So I am going to take a risk and offer it to you as a present but if I dont find it next time I am in New York I hope you are not going to beat me up....hahahahahaha....

xx"

The offer to buy me a gift from overseas is, I guess, cute. But a pink tracksuit? Saying "Ninjita"? A Pink? Track? Suit?

hahahahahahahahahahaha.......

40 on the 40; also, Plague

This is what I was doing Friday night, for those of you who are interested. Jason and I jointly came up with the idea (my alias is H.B. on his blog. I've forgotten why). Apparently, I like pointing at things. There are a lot of photos of me pointing.

Dixie beer is really, really terrible. So is San Miguel, especially when you're drinking a liter of it.

This night, which was both late and involved drinking, may be partially responsible for the resurgence of my plague. I went to the doctor today, just to be sure I didn't have an infection or something. I just have another cold, which is fantastic. Also, he very helpfully informed me of the following:

(1) The only real way to "deal" with a cold is to avoid getting them in the first place.
(2) The only "cure" for the cold is rest and vitamins.
(3) I should be avoiding late nights and drinking, staying hydrated, and eating lots of veggies.

While I knew all three of these, I found #1 particularly unhelpful. I mean, really? I should've avoided getting sick in the first place? What revelation! I had no idea! And there I was, licking the hand holds in the tube cars. Foolish, foolish V.

Beware Scalding Milk Tuesday

Yesterday, one of my friends was trying to make iced tea. When she poured the boiling water into the pitcher with the teabags, the pitcher cracked and she was forced to deal with steadily seeping boiling tea all over her kitchen.

Today, one of my friends was trying to melt some solidified honey in the microwave, but it exploded all over her and caused minor burns on her arms and legs, not to mention creating two hours of honey cleanup.

I am concerned. I know things don't always happen in threes, but it's often easy to make the coincidental connections so that they do. I'm not just going to pick an incident out of thin air, though. I have become convinced that tomorrow's incident (three in three days) will involve scalding milk, since that's the only remaining tea-related-ingredient which I think could realisitically burn someone.

Tomorrow, I am avoiding all milk.

Graphs fo' Gangstas. Fo' shizzle my nizzle.

This is completely amazing.

Dare to say no

I'll admit that I've signed up for an online dating service. It's a periodic weakness of mine that occurs whenever I'm having a hard time meeting interesting men. Usually, though, it only lasts for a month or two before I realize that there are just as many losers online as there are in bars/at parties.

This time is no exception. One classic example is the man, well beyond my stated desired age range, who emailed me not once, but three separate times to invite me out to beer, coffee, coffee. I stayed silent until Attempt 3, when I felt the only decent thing was to politely tell him that, while flattered, I didn't think we were a good match, and good luck in his search. The reasons for my assesment are, I think, patently obvious from his reply:

we have 21 things in common....
and i speak brazilian and italian...and german....
and punjabi...
so if were ever on a date , well never get stuck for saying hello to a
strage on our travels and my flat cobers 500 books and ive travelled
to 5 continents...so a coffee and see if we click...
oh i work in tv and like you am also very busy.
so i do appreciate you kind email and do hope you can take a risk and
see what magic come out of the unknown...
[name redacted]
xxxx

Oh, the problems with this email. Let's begin:
(1) The gibberish: your flat cobers 500 books? What? I can't even think of a grammatically acceptable word that "cobers" is close to that would be explained by a typo. Covers? Your flat covers 500 books? Still gibberish.
(2) Those of you who know me (and let's face it: if you're reading this, it's because you know me) know that I'm (kind of) anal when it comes to typos. Everyone makes mistakes, but this just goes beyond the pale.
(3) Not to mention, this is a guy who I said "No, thanks," to, and this is his attempt to convince me otherwise? You need to really go above and beyond in this situation. If this is his above and beyond, I'm highly unimpressed.
(4) Not shown here, but one of his turnoffs is sarcasm, and the other is tattoos. Again, problem obvious for people who know me, not only because these are two of my attributes, but also because they're two attributes that I get a kick out of in other people.
(5) "see what magic come out of the unknown" Again with the faulty grammar, but what? What kind of terrible esoteric nonsense is this?

And finally,

(6) "do hope you can take a risk" Who said anything about risk-taking? My response to him definitely did not. Last I heard, it wasn't a "risk" to go out for coffee with a complete lame-o. It's just a big fat waste of time.

Common [Law] Property

There's been this weird rash of thefts in my life lately (not counting the single lozenge of a few weeks ago). Last week, I put a soda in the communal fridge, as you do, and now it's gone. Today is Bagel Day--here in London, bagels are cause for monthly celebration--and I sliced open a bagel, put it in the toaster, and left it there to toast. I returned to find it mysteriously vanished, not 3 minutes later. I mean, really? Did someone really think that other people on the floor were slicing and toasting bagels for their health? For the goodness of mankind?

Last, and perhaps oddest, is my gum. I opened this package of gum yesterday, as in "removed the sealed plastic wrapping" opened. I ate one piece. Despite me having no recollection of offering gum to anyone, today I had 10 of 14 pieces of gum left, instead of the expected 13. I don't so much mind that I have less gum; my mother raised me well and I know the value of sharing. But this is just weird.

Somewhere on this floor there's a soda/bagel/gum stealer. Or I'm going mad.

StuffInMyVodka.com

My friend directed me to this cool article about how you can make bacon vodka. I was skeptical, but he/she's right -- a Bacon Bloody Mary sounds pretty awesome.

I was not, however, prepared for some of the comments by one of the posters further down the page. Nutmeg Everclear Deodorant Mist? Arbor Vitae Vodka Anti-Wart Preparation? I know this person says that they're allergic to deodorants, but I'm kind of wondering if they're in fact just an alcoholic. An uber-green, herb-crazed, hippie alcoholic.

Voicemail is for tools

You might think that activating your voicemail would be a simple process. You would be wrong. Months ago, when I got my cell phone, I went through the automated process of calling and "turning on" my voicemail and recording a message. After not receiving a single message in 2 months, I became suspicious, and discovered through rigorous testing that my calls were left to ring endlessly, unanswered

Apparently, "turning on" my voicemail did not actually activate it. These are wholly distinct processes, and not to be confused. What follows is the step-by-step process for activating one's voicemail, as compiled from not one but two calls to Customer Support:

(1) Call [number] from your phone.*
(2) Wait for the automated message to hang-up on you.**
(3) [Turn your phone off and on again.]***
(4) You will receive a text message. It's immaterial. Delete it.
(5) [Go into your Settings menu and activate Call Diverting.]****

* Tech Support Person 1 told me to text that number, not call it, perhaps leading to Customer Support call #2.
** The message does not, in fact, hang up on you. It merely loops endlessly waiting for you to choose an option. This is after it tells you to turn your phone off and on, though.
*** This step was left out by Tech Support Person 2.
**** This step was left out by Tech Support Person 1.

It is now 20 minutes in to the supposedly 30 in which I could receive the text message. I'm not holding my breath.

Do not tamper with my seals

You know how most medicines / sealed foods warn you not to use them if the seal has been tampered with, and you think, "Yeah, yeah... who would tamper with a seal?"

I bought throat lozenges, the swanky kind that come in foil & plastic sheets that you pop out one at a time. And I opened the box.

And one had been popped out.

Just one, mind you. I don't know who bothered to open a box of cough drops, pop out one lozenge, return the sheet to the box and close the lid, but I'm intrigued by this situation.

Most likely it was just some kid experimenting with petty theft.